The last few days have been so, so difficult. Endometriosis pain, vertigo, and of course, infertility – I’m doing so much better with antidepressants, but somethings these things still kick my butt.
A woman at church asked me to teach her how to make a pie (I rock at pie-making, if you’ll excuse the bragging), so I spent Tuesday afternoon with her and her children, making pie. She’s very nice, her kids are great, and yet it felt like we had absolutely zero in common. She has four small children; I have three cats and a dissertation. I wonder if this barrier between young mothers and me is something I erected, or something natural at this stage of life.
Usually, however, I end up thinking that young mothers build the barrier because they are engaged in a “higher calling” of raising children while I’m “wasting my time” with this dissertation. It’s a destructive thought that doesn’t make me feel any less isolated, and I’m learning to shut it down. But… spending all afternoon with a young mother I clearly had nothing in common with was exhausting for me.
And then Wednesday. It was a bad day. It started when I tried to heat up some water to make tea. Instead, I heated up an empty mug with a tea bag. In a similar fit of total lack of attention to detail, I then took an Ambien with my morning vitamins – completely accidental, but there went my day! (It was in the pill box, and usually and sort out the night pills from the day pills, but I just didn’t notice that it was still in with the day pills.) I’m glad I realized I’d taken it before I tried to go anywhere, but I still had to sleep the whole day. I was only awake for about six hours – and then I took another Ambien to go to bed, only instead of getting in bed, I apparently stayed up till 3am. I don’t remember any of it, but upon waking I discovered that I’d ordered stuff online and had a shot of vodka around midnight. I NEVER do that when I’m taking Ambien! I’m usually very careful with my medications!!!
So on Thursday, I physically felt awful – like hungover from the Ambien, and also having certain digestive-tract Ambien side effects. And our electricity went out. And I was having terrible endometriosis pain.
To add insult to injury, the pelvic pain is a prelude to my period. This month I had – one of the few times – a positive ovulation test result mid-cycle. But I guess I’ll have another no-blue-line month.
It’s no wonder I’m feeling depressed today!
I have a conference next week – I’m presenting a paper in Boston. That should be a good thing, but I’m exhausted just thinking about all the socializing I will have to do. Everything else, on top of being deaf and struggling with feeling isolated and invisible…..
Today is just going to be a depression-heavy kind of day.